Desperate

I have been desperate lately.  Desperate for God in ways I could not have foreseen, desperate for His peace and comfort, desperate for direction.  Just desperate; like an addict-in-need-of-a-fix kind of desperate.

I struggle with stuff as a wife and mother.  I want to be the kind of wife that makes my husband stand on our barn and scream, “I married the best woman ever!!”  I want to please him, make him smile, and make him so glad he married me.  In all honesty though, he feels frustrated a lot more than I would like because we don’t speak in the same kind of language.  We both speak English but I cannot for the life of me understand what he is saying sometimes.

As a mom I yearn to be the best kind of mom possible.  My sons think I am pretty good, even pretty cool.  I figure I must be pretty cool if my 13 year old wants to hang out with me still.  But with my job I am not able to watch my 11 year old play basketball for the first time on a team.  It breaks my heart.  I feel like the worst kind of mom ever.  Not the goal I had in mind.

In both of these situations I am desperate.  I am desperate to be “perfect.”  Now I know that I cannot and will not be perfect this side of Heaven, but it doesn’t seem to keep me from trying.

My real desperation comes from knowing that I am unable to do anything on my own.  When I say anything I mean anything. Scripture says, “With God all things are possible” and that without God man can do nothing.  Well, that’s where I am.  I will never be the kind of wife and mother I desire to be without God.

If there is one thing I have learned though, in my walk with God, it is simply this:  if I want to be all that I can be then I must first and foremost be right where God wants me.  My desperation is the first step in the right direction.

My desperation leads me to my knees, where I cry out and sometimes literally cry out to God and let Him in to all of my aches and concerns, I let Him into everything.

I will continue to be desperate because being desperate brings me to my knees.

And being on my knees is the best place to be.

About gretchenr17

Wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. Writer, farmer, fellow sojourner... at every turn I learn a bit more about God's wild mercies.
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