I have been desperate lately. Desperate for God in ways I could not have foreseen, desperate for His peace and comfort, desperate for direction. Just desperate; like an addict-in-need-of-a-fix kind of desperate.
I struggle with stuff as a wife and mother. I want to be the kind of wife that makes my husband stand on our barn and scream, “I married the best woman ever!!” I want to please him, make him smile, and make him so glad he married me. In all honesty though, he feels frustrated a lot more than I would like because we don’t speak in the same kind of language. We both speak English but I cannot for the life of me understand what he is saying sometimes.
As a mom I yearn to be the best kind of mom possible. My sons think I am pretty good, even pretty cool. I figure I must be pretty cool if my 13 year old wants to hang out with me still. But with my job I am not able to watch my 11 year old play basketball for the first time on a team. It breaks my heart. I feel like the worst kind of mom ever. Not the goal I had in mind.
In both of these situations I am desperate. I am desperate to be “perfect.” Now I know that I cannot and will not be perfect this side of Heaven, but it doesn’t seem to keep me from trying.
My real desperation comes from knowing that I am unable to do anything on my own. When I say anything I mean anything. Scripture says, “With God all things are possible” and that without God man can do nothing. Well, that’s where I am. I will never be the kind of wife and mother I desire to be without God.
If there is one thing I have learned though, in my walk with God, it is simply this: if I want to be all that I can be then I must first and foremost be right where God wants me. My desperation is the first step in the right direction.
My desperation leads me to my knees, where I cry out and sometimes literally cry out to God and let Him in to all of my aches and concerns, I let Him into everything.
I will continue to be desperate because being desperate brings me to my knees.
And being on my knees is the best place to be.