I stood in front of the bathroom mirror this morning deciding whether or not to cut my hair. This wasn’t a “gee, I’m tired of the way it looks” or “I want to have a haircut like so-and-so does” kind of debate. It was more of a declaration-kind of decision. I had measured it, even had the scissors on the length I was going to cut off, but after more thinking, I put the scissors down and decided to wait. A little bit longer. A few more days. Until I knew the real reason why I wanted to cut my hair.
This whole adventure thing I’ve been on these past six months has been like one big archeological dig in my soul. I have recognized patterns of behavior that I never thought about before and made a point to ruminate on them until I could dig down to the very essence of me.
My husband, ever the observer, has commented often that he recognized these same patterns in me.
The recent discovery of “self” if you will, is that whenever I feel restless or frustrated or even disappointed, I cut my hair. Not in a salon, with a professional who has been trained, but by myself, in the bathroom, welding my scissors like a soldier does his sword, slaying whatever imaginary thing I am facing.
Afterwards I may feel regret, relief, even a sense of freedom. But now, I want to understand the why before I take my scissors in my hands.
Living in an apartment again with few distractions has given me time to reflect, ponder, study, and honestly– sometimes ignore, the very things I think God is trying to get me to see about myself.
That’s why I think this journey has been so full of the switchbacks I mentioned the other day. I cannot take on the next steps until I understand the steps I have taken. Understand why I am wired the way I am and even rewire the places that need rewiring.
There is some old proverb that says, When the student is ready the teacher will come. In my case, I am preparing myself for the next season God has in store for me, but it will be hard to reach out with ready hands to receive, if my hands are still full of all of the junk and stuff from before.
So here I will sit, or stand, or kneel, hunched over books, studying, sitting back and listening, whatever God is calling me to do, so that when it is my turn to move to the next thing. I am ready. Whether it’s to cut my hair or move, or remain, my desire is to do it because it’s part of God’s plan, not my willfulness.