Tug of war

We are on the cusp of something amazing and as I reach for the blessings of a future that has been fought for, prayed for, cried for, and waited for, I feel myself being pulled backward toward the anxiety, the despair, and the feeling that failure will be my only legacy.

It is less than three weeks until we close on our house.  My mind whirs when I go to bed and when I wake up, my body is still, my brain is not.  I think back to last year when we knew things were going to change forever. I think of the aftermath of our move and all of the healing that has been needed since then. 

 I hear the voices of Failure and Disappointment whisper in my ear telling me that I blew it.  That the relationships I left behind are tarnished, less valuable, that my choice to move has shattered them beyond repair.

I hear the scolding voice of irrational thinking telling me what people really think of my decisions.  

I strive to combat against this thinking again and again…. We are on the edge of a new horizon, filled with hopes, plans, ideas, and dreams– for our family, for each other.  Ideas that are so new they have barely hatched free of the secret shells in which they were carried. 

I pray, I cry out to God to hold me above the storm inside my mind.  My heart and my soul know the truth of Who God is, what He is capable of doing in our lives.  I ask for prayer from those who know my battles with anxiety and fear, those who are like an anchor for me, keeping me steady, keeping me grounded.  

And when I close my eyes and still myself, I hear a Voice, not unlike the voices of the Who’s in Horton Hears a Who by Dr. Seuss.  It’s quiet, it’s soft, I have to strain my ear to hear it…blocking out everything else around me. But when I hear the Voice, I recognize it as the voice of my Heavenly Father.

He is here, He is here, He is here. 

Suddenly the tug of the despair and failure isn’t as strong… I feel the tug of Hope — not pulling me down, but pulling me up–lifting me up– toward the truth that God will never, no not ever, no not once, let me go.

All at once, I am free.  From worry, doubt, fear, and failure.  

I am free to dream, believe, live- all because I let God in to where I was struggling and straining. 

About gretchenr17

Wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. Writer, farmer, fellow sojourner... at every turn I learn a bit more about God's wild mercies.
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