impossible

A year ago my family was deep in the chaos of trying to pack a house, sort through items to toss, donate, store, or take for our move.  It is hard to see back to that day and realize all the amazing things God has brought us to and through in the last 365 days.

Today’s devotional from Jesus Calling resonated with me when I read the words, “It is impossible to thank Me and curse Me at the same time” (p. 181).  I thought about all the times when I came precariously close to shaking my fist at Heaven and cursing God for allowing these difficult experiences in my life.

Now a year later, I am finding myself thanking Him for these experiences.  No, I am not blindly grateful for the difficult conversations, for the sadness and tears at saying goodbye to loved ones, or the upheaval of all the “what are we doing?” conversations I have had in the past year.

But.

But, I am grateful for the outcome.  I am grateful for the clear perspectives that have come from the difficult conversations, the “I never knew that…” parts that have come with it.  I am grateful for the joy of talking with people on the phone, seeing them when they visit, and sharing in the day-to-day activities through Facebook that weren’t accessible nearly twenty years ago when I first moved away.

I find myself seeing the beauty of the growth our family has had, the ways our boys have grown, the ways my marriage has grown.

I find myself grateful.

And so, I smile.  I smile at the craziness of the whole experience– who does this kind of thing?  Who chooses to pick up and pack up and move to a new place where no actual home has been selected, no guaranteed jobs are in place?  Hmmm.  Abram and Sarai come to mind.

I smile at the way we have chosen the difficult task of following God when we didn’t understand only to see on the other side all of the blessings.  The encouragement from people we didn’t know a year ago, who have learned our stories and been encouraged themselves by our steps of Faith.

There is nothing I fully understand about this process, but there is One I do know a little better. I could curse and shake my fist at Heaven and demand that God tell me what He has planned, but this adventure, this Faith journey wouldn’t be the same if I knew everything beforehand.

My love for God is so much deeper, so much richer, since I chose to walk with Him- in spite of the uncertainty, the unknown, the questions we have had from other people who do not and did not understand our decisions.

It would be impossible for me to curse God now.

And it would be impossible to keep me from praising Him as well.

About gretchenr17

Wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. Writer, farmer, fellow sojourner... at every turn I learn a bit more about God's wild mercies.
This entry was posted in reflections, Walking by Faith and not by sight and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

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