“If you have trouble with authority here on earth, you can bet you have trouble with the authority of Heaven,” –Bryan Clark, pastor.
These words have echoed inside of me deeply. I often think of myself as compliant, obedient, respectful of those who are in authority over me. But as I have let the statement steep inside, I realize my quiet defiance has been building inside for years.
I may have chosen to abide by the rules of my parents growing up. Even staying off the phone (when they weren’t home to know the difference) because I had been restricted from it for whatever reason. Now, I think I stayed off out of compliance to their rules, but my heart may not have been obedient. Truly obedient.
I am seeing that true obedience, wholly and completely surrendered, means not allowing my wants and needs to impact my actions to get what I want.
I think of the times when I have been told– as an adult– recently– of a decision made that I will need to follow, only to hear my inner voices start to look for alternate solutions. Alternate ways to get what I want and still make it seem like I have obeyed their decision.
My reality is a lot uglier than I thought.
As I looked back at the times when God had prompted me to do something, or when a situation had completely different outcomes from my plan I see a child throwing a tantrum for not get her way.
Time and time again, I am reminded of conversations, arguments, and silent treatments I have had or given because I have not been able to get what I want. And what I want hasn’t always been a bad thing like too much candy or no nap. It’s been as simple as approaching something from a different view than the person whose decision I need to honor.
It’s a control thing.
If I am to be obedient, honoring the directions and decisions of people in authority over me– and ultimately, my Father in Heaven, then I have work to do. I don’t have a simple answer, a switch to flip, or a simple act to make. This is going to take time. It took time to get into this and it will take time to get out.
Heaven help me. Thank you that all I need to do is ask and You will meet me where I am at and guide me to my next steps. I pray for an honest heart, even when it isn’t pretty, to grow and be stretched. To repent, to acknowledge, and ask for forgiveness from those I have been defiant against again and again. I know all things are possible through You and I pray I will lean into You for Your wisdom. Which is always true and perfect. Amen.