I don’t want to…

I don’t want to break promises. I go to great lengths to not even use the word promise when I tell someone I will do something. I fret that I will injure someone if I am not able to fulfill the agreement I have made.

I don’t want to be untrustworthy. I want to be known by those I love that what I am given I will care for and not lose, not break, not dismiss the value and worth of what has been placed in my hands.

I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to be looking at life as something that is just for me. I don’t want to live my life as I think it should be lived. I want to hand off the next breath I take to God and let Him direct each step. I want to give myself up to God and not take back the controls of what I want to do. It isn’t about me, if I listen to what God says about life.

I don’t want to disappoint those I love. I want them to see me and be pleased with me and what I do for them and with them. I want to have them tell me that I have made them happy- not sad.

What I do want is to be who I was made to be. I want to speak truth and be believed. To think deeply before speaking, to be trustworthy with even the smallest things. I want to be more than what I am. My heart hurts from causing hurt to others and I know I cannot fix anything I have broken on my own.

As I continue to work on my heart and mind, I find that there are days when it seems like a day full of joy. In just moments I find that I can also crash horribly, scraping my hands and knees, get a bloody nose and tear my shirt all at the same time. It’s the hard truth that I am not who I am longing to become. Just as someone who battles substance addiction, I must realize that it is a day-to-day journey. I will never fully make it until I stand before Jesus.

With this in mind, my prayer, Dear Ones, is that we will not strive, struggle, and fail to remember that each time we fall down we are to choose to get up. We can embrace who we are in Christ and know that we don’t have to live this life, do these tasks, love the people in our lives, all on our own. God walks with us and He wants to you to know we are not alone.

About gretchenr17

Wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. Writer, farmer, fellow sojourner... at every turn I learn a bit more about God's wild mercies.
This entry was posted in growing pains, maturing in Christ, reflections, Walking by Faith and not by sight and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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