I have been trying to think of things to write about all week. Sometimes a thought will come to mind and I will tuck it away for later, only when later comes the idea is gone. I have been feeling out of sorts physically as well, which makes for a less than great combination. I am still trying to figure out what has been making me feel this way. I miss being a lighthearted Pollyanna.
Years ago, my pastor said, “We will embrace change when it becomes too painful to remain where we are now.” I am beginning to see the truth in that, again. It seems like I have to keep coming back around to the same place every once in a while, to remind my heart why it is a bad place to stay. I keep telling myself that I will not return here again. Then just like a person who’s lost in the forest, I find myself circling back.
It’s during these times when I realize I am silently yelling at God. I want Him to fix it, to give me the yellow brick road so I can find my way out. But rarely does God work that way in my life. I am a slow learner, a hard headed individualist who would love nothing more than to reach the end and announce that I had done it, “All by myself.” However, I have never heard of a believer remaining a follower of Christ and still remaining an individualist.
When I asked Christ to come into my life and my heart that day in 1990, I knew it was because I needed Him. I needed Him in my heart, in my decisions, in my relationships, in my future, and to lead me forward. Now it would seem, that I have forgotten the way I was back then. I have been getting into a rut at work and especially at home with the daily chores and tasks. I have allowed my soul to become brittle and tired. I am like a plant that has had no water and no sunshine for a long time. It is a withered leftover of what it once was, when care and nurturing had been a day-to-day task.
As I grow older, I don’t want to call on the God I used to know. But if these are only words and I don’t put feet to them, walking it out, then it’s just wasted air. I am coming very close to the days when my house will just hold my husband and me. Just like I must give him my attention, my time, and my love, I must do the same thing with God if I am to have a healthy, growing relationship.
So I am starting again. With the radio off in the car, time spent talking with God about what is on my heart. Not trying to make it a prayerful time, something that is supposed to look righteous. I have been missing the best friend of my heart and soul and it’s time for me to make time again,
Best Beloved, how are you doing? Really? Are you starting 2018 with the same empty tank you finished with in 2017? Are you making more work for yourself by trying to have the right kind of Bible study, the right kind of quiet time? Stop. Please, stop. God isn’t going to be impressed with your fancy Bible, expensive journal, or special worship music. He wants you. Right where you are. Right now. Nothing else, nothing less. So put down the things that only shine in your hands and give God your heart again. Let Him shine through it, the way He was meant to shine through us all.