My mind has been working overtime for the past few weeks. Every night I have dreamt about people I knew twenty-five to thirty years ago, people I haven’t seen or spoken with in nearly as long. It’s like it is still trying to figure out how to change the outcomes. I am not seeking to change things consciously, but my mind must not be satisfied. Like a child trying to fit a block in the wrong space, again and again.
I woke up today and tried to figure out what was happening. The man I married is and always will be, the one to whom I want to be married. Twenty-six years ago today, I was supposed to be saying “I do” to someone else. At least that was my plan. Twenty-six years ago my now husband realized that I was the one he wanted to marry. I have shared this story before, the outcome is still the same.
Why does our mind work toward something so opposite of God’s plan? This seems to be where the whole “free will” aspect fits into our lives (Matthew 26:41). We are called to bring our thoughts under control; We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ, (2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV).
June 19 is as close to my least favorite day, May 31, can be (see Doors, windows, and hallways) still, I know that God is faithful. Whether the day brings a broken engagement (something you’d think my brain and heart would be well past by now), a sudden loss of a loved one, or a sudden loss of a job. Whatever it is, God is good all the time, all the time God is good (Habakkuk 3:17-19).
I absolutely cannot see God’s plan for our future. I can hardly see or imagine the plan for next week most of the time. When things are drastically and suddenly changed it may feel like we have rubber legs. I may not be able to stand or walk, but I can kneel and I can crawl. And if my knees turn to jelly, then I will lay down and crawl “army style.”
I choose to follow the God I claim, no matter the outcome. I have watched Him move mountains, I have felt Him as He helped me climb mountains to stand atop victoriously. I have also experienced the comfort of His hand on me as I mourned the loss of something or someone dear to me.
Best Beloved, this faith journey we walk is not one of idle decisions, something you fall into, or eventually begin when nothing else works. Faith requires a determination, a decision, and every morning and evening, the reaffirmation of the decision you made. Just as each day I wake and determine to work to have a strong, healthy relationship with my husband, I do the same with my walk with God.
Rain may come in on all sides to sink the ship, the crops may fail in the fields, my God will remain. In Him and through Him I will never be without the very things I need. Thanks be to God. Always.