I have a confession to make, I am no longer the size I was in high school. I know it seems shocking, but I am never going to be that size again. For my birthday I was given a bit of money with strict instructions to spend it on myself. No buying groceries, no paying bills with it. I was to buy something for myself that would last (like books) per the instructions.
Most of my life I was criticized by others for not being thin enough, quiet enough, submissive enough. I didn’t fit the boxes others felt I should. I spent decades trying to fit into who they thought I was supposed to be. Living that way made me feel like a constant failure. I spent so much time trying to be the size, shape, and character they wanted, I lost me.
In my late 40s I finally saw the woman I was and the woman I wanted to become. Through the shedding of those false layers, I found me. I no longer tried to fit into the “too small” jeans and shirts. The shoes that were the wrong style and type for my life.
I am 50 years old. I am not in shape like an athlete. I don’t wear fashionable clothes. I don’t wear high heels. My natural hair color is changing. I have wrinkles. I am forgetful sometimes. I cannot do all the things I did just five years ago.
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, (Colossians 3:12 ESV).
Who I am not, is not as important as who I am. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, sister, friend, cousin. A hobby farmer, a writer, a believer, a dreamer, a crafter. I have wisdom, understanding, a willingness to let go of what will not matter in the future. I know that a few dear friends matter so much more than multiple followers. I know there is more joy in the gentle sunrise than in a “perfect” family picture for the Christmas card.
I do not drink the “kool-aid” that commercials tell me I should. While Alice drank and ate her way into different sizes based on where she was in Lewis Carroll’s story, Alice in Wonderland, I am saying, No thank you.
Now I am embracing who God has grown me to become. I see this birthday as an adventure year for me. I am stronger, healthier, wiser, more relaxed, imperfect and being perfected, all at the same time because of His grace.
I may be on an adventure, just like Alice once was, but my adventure is one mapped out for just Jesus and me. His path, my life, the way it was meant to be.
Stay tuned for updates on where He takes me and what I learn. I promise to send a postcard…