Let us begin

Lately, there are a number of songs that talk about going back in time to tell yourself what you know now. A chance to tell yourself to walk away from a toxic relationship or to take the job you turned down. While this perspective seems appealing, I am not sure I would take it if given the opportunity.

Yes, there are decisions I made in my past that I regret. People I hurt because of my selfishness or insecurity. I made some pretty foolish decisions when I was eighteen, some that continue to impact me thirty years later. It has become part of who I am and who I am not.

I know as a believer, that God has had a plan for my life since before I was born. I know there were times in my life that the very prayers of someone kept me from danger. I also know that there were times when I chose to do something that was not God-honoring, sometimes I chose to do that deliberately. While I cannot go back and fix it, I know that I can learn from it.

Psalm 18:30-32 says, As for God, his way is perfect; The LORD’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the LORD? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure (NIV).

Of the regrets that I can name, the ones that cause the most sadness to me are the ones I knew better than to do, but I did it anyway. In a way, I think that is the definition of regret, I knew better that to do it, but I did it anyway. My poor decisions, my failures, even the losses I experienced, were part of the path that led me to Christ.

When I came to see that all these choices I had made were never going to bring me the happiness, the contentment, the grace, mercy, or forgiveness I needed– that is when I cried out to God. And that is when He answered me. Not with fire, thunder, or lightning but with tenderness. With the very grace and love I needed.

Child, I have been waiting for you to call my name. I have wanted to pick you up, dust you off, mend your brokenness, and wipe your tears. But you never called out to me until now.

God is not a belligerent dictator, He is a gentleman. He will not come where He is not invited. But oh, Best Beloved, when God is invited into your life and heart. Wow. I learned that day, that He has the power to take my regrets and turn them into blessings. He did that day, He still does today.

Mother Teresa once said, “Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We only have today. Let us begin.” That was the lesson I learned from God the day He came into my life. I would not be able to go back and change the life I had lived before that day. I would not be able to tell the future, to know fully what would happen tomorrow. But while it was still called today, I could experience His grace. His mercy and learn the lesson that the past is in the past for a reason.

Now, the enemy is going to try and attack any way and any chance he can, to stop me from growing in Christ, to keep my story from being used to encourage others. It is what he does. He wants to bring up the regrets and the failures and tell me that I cannot possibly be used by God for God’s purposes and glory. But that is a lie.

God is in the business of taking people’s messes and turning them into messages. Scripture is full of story after story that show His redemptive power. Some of my favorite stories include the woman at the well in John 4 and the woman caught in adultery in John 8. Each time Jesus met the woman, their story was anything but a fairytale. But instead of taking them to task and in one case stoning her for her sins, Jesus turned the story on its head. He told the woman at the well that there was a way to get Living Water, to never thirst again. She had made a mess of thirsting for love from men who would never satisfy her thirst for eternal healing,

The woman in John 8 was seeking love in the wrong places and had made a complete mess of things. Jesus, who by all authority had the right to cast the first stone, as the only person there who was without sin, did nothing. He gave the woman another chance. A chance to change her mess into a message of grace. Of mercy and forgiveness.

Best Beloved, let us leave the past where it belongs- behind us. The future is somewhere on the horizon. Today is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it (Psalm 118:4).

Twelve

Do you remember that feeling when you have heard a story o may times, that you tend to tune it out until it becomes blah, bah, blah in our heads?

The eighth chapter of Luke contains four different events and one parable that are very familiar to me. The calming of the storm, the man possessed by a Legion, the Lamp and the Jar, the parable of the four soils, the healing of Jarius’ daughter, and the woman who touched Jesus’ robe.

It’s a very packed chapter.

Reading it this evening, I found myself almost speed reading it in places. The thing that caught my eye was the passage abut Jarius’ daughter and the woman touching His hem. The daughter was twelve years old and the woman had been afflicted by her illness for twelve years.

At the age of twelve the young girl was coming close to the end of childhood and the beginning of adulthood. Yet, instead of looking forward to the future, her father was preparing to bury her. He would not only mourn the loss of her life and the joy she brought him, but he would mourn the loss of her potential.

The woman’s illness had been painfully experienced for so long; I am certain she felt that it was hers to endure until she died. She could no longer enjoy simple things, she only endured the pain.

The shame she felt, as I am certain she was whispered about by others. Those who wondered what sin she had committed to be punished so seriously, those who worried if it was contagious. She endured physical pain, emotional pain, social and relational separation.

The number twelve was significant, in the end, thanks to Jesus.

The woman who had learned to blend into the shadows for twelve years was brought into the center of attention, a light was shone upon her as Jesus called her to Him. She told of the way her illness had been immediately healed when she touched His robe.

The very healing she had spent her life’s savings on, Jesus healed instantly. She told all who would listen what had happened. And He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well, go in peace” ( Luke 8:48 ESV).

For Jarius’ daughter, she was dead. People were weeping and mourning her death. Jesus told them instead that she was only asleep. Those who heard him laughed at Him. But taking her hand He called, saying, “Child, arise.” And her spirit returned, and she sat up at once. And He directed that she should be given something to eat (Luke 8:52-55 ESV).

A life of sorrow, pain, and loneliness became a life of joy, celebration, and fellowship. A young girl who had been lost to death had been found and brought back to life .

Best Beloved, where are you mourning? Are you hiding in the shadows, afraid to allow others to see the aching pain you are feeling?

Isn’t it time to cry out to Jesus? To reach out to Him, one more time, knowing He is the only One who can bring life and healing into your situation?

He is the only Healer, the only One who brings Life where death has been. Join me in crying out to Him to meet you where you are today. He can and will restore, redeem, rebuild, and renew your life.

Lean into Him and trust Him.

Much love to you, Best Beloved oxoxoxo

Wormwood

I have been surrounding myself with faith based things during my day. From listening to testimonies, God stories, Scripture readings, all of which is good and satisfying.

However, I find myself being lulled into thinking I am hitting all the boxes by doing these things.

I am not.

The one thing in my life that grows my heart, my faith, challenges, corrects, and equips me is to be in prayer.

When I spend time with God, whether verbally or writing my prayers in my journal, I am plugged into my Source. I do not get lost, tune out, or disengage from Him the way I do the music, reels, or videos.

In CS Lewis’ book, The Screwtape Letters, Screwtape told Wormwood the best way to keep Christians ineffective was to keep us busy, to fill our time with activities and such.

Even the good things; as long as we are not in prayer, truly seeking God. We are not going to make a difference if we are listening to Christian music, attending church, reading Christian authors, the way we do when we are in prayer.

It’s prayer that matters. It takes us beyond, into the Holy of Holies, to the very place where we are present with God in ways nothing else does (see 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17).

Father God, coining to you each day is so simple, yet it’s full of so many distractions. I pray my heart will seek you the same way a baby seeks the bottle or the mother’s breast; voraciously and with determination. May we, may I remember the only way the branch grows is if it is connected to the Vine. I love you, Lord.

Best Beloved, dive into time with God. It doesn’t have to be hours, it can be minutes. But don’t let your day fill with so much “good” that you miss the “best.”

Oxoxoxo,

much love.

Battles

I woke in the night with a song in my head, It may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by You, This is how I fight my battles.

Yesterday in church, after the message, there was an extended time of prayer. I spent time with God as well, praying for people and situations dear to me. I was grateful for the extended time of quiet to lift up my concerns while in church. There is something holy and powerful to be able to pray in that space.

Prayer does not fit us for the greater works; prayer is the greater work. We think of prayer as a commonsense exercise of our higher powers in order to prepare us for God’s work . – Oswald Chambers.

The enemy doesn’t want us to pray, he wants us to worry, to fret, to go to others about our problems. He wants us to try to find the answers ourselves, to ignore it and hope it goes away. Anything, but go to our Father in Heaven about it.

Prayer is the key that brings us to the very Presence of God. When we come to Him we are going to the Source of our hope, our strength, our very life. This is where we plug in and get charged.

The last thing the enemy wants is for us to connect with God.

This is the very first thing God wants for us, to connect with Him. To come to Him and to bring any and all of our concerns, our sorrow, our joy, our everything to Him.

When we go into battle with the enemy, we are not to go alone. We are to be armed, to be equipped, only then are we dangerous. This is what the enemy fears.

Our battles are not fought with our own physical might, they are fought in the realm between Heaven and Earth. They are fought between the Heavenly forces and the enemy’s forces, (see Ephesians 6:12). We see the person or situation from the finite space of our life that we can touch, but there is so much more that we cannot see.

So we fight our battles on our knees, (Ephesians 6:10-11, 13-18).

The saint who advances on his knees never retreats—Jim Elliot.

This is more than Clark Kent changing in a phone booth. The power and authority of Heaven is being engaged when we pray. We change from within and become the warriors in a battle that is already won.

The victory is won by the very God we have come to with our concerns; not because of ourselves, but because of Him.

Oswald Chambers continued, “Prayer is the battle; it is a matter of indifference where you are. Whichever way God engineers circumstances, the duty is to pray. Never allow the thought — “I am of no use where I am”; because you certainly can be of no use where you are not. Wherever God has dumped you down in circumstances, pray to Him all the time.”

Best Beloved, are you ready?

Let’s get on our knees and run into the battle.

Stirrings

As my first marriage ended, I forgot aspects of my faith. I became so focused on being a warrior that I forgot Who gave me my strength. In the final months I was in a state of continuous prayer, but I forgot the power source that my own prayer held.

In the past month or so, parts of me have been awakening and I am finding the joy and peace I once knew.

When I would pray in the past, I prayed from the authority of the Holy Spirit within me. I would pray while laying my hands on someone and even something, believing as I prayed that there was Holy Spirit power in the very touch.

I forgot that I could pray that way.

Then God nudged me and reminded me who I am and Whose I am.

There is power in our prayers because God is moving. He hears our prayers, He answers our prayers. So much goes on between Heaven and Earth when we are praying and seeking God, we won’t ever know what it really looks like this side of Heaven.

What I do know is this.

When we are truly saved/born again and we are growing in our faith; seeking God and studying the Bible, we are growing in our strength and the power of the Word of God.

In that power, through that power, we have been given authority to heal the sick, cast out the enemy, and teach others about Jesus.

For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (2 Corinthians 10: 3-5 NIV).

Best Beloved, my prayer is that you too, will feel the stirrings in your soul as the Lord whispers to you and challenges you to get ready to go into battle.

The battle may be against an injustice, for someone’s healing. The key to the battle is to remember , “we fight from the victory, not for the victory,” (Priscilla Shirer).

Dear Ones, let the Holy Spirit move in you. Stir your heart and soul so greatly that you are compelled to pray for others, to act and move with the Lord as He moves.

May the stirrings within become a roaring fire that cannot be quenched. oxoxox

Waking up

I leaned hard into my faith when my ex husband and I separated. I knew God was all I had, He knew my past, present, and future. He would be faithful to me on this journey.

I would lean into Him in my day to day life, all the unknown decisions I would have to make, providing in ways I could not have imagined.

One of the parts of that new life was waking up with a song in my head every morning. Often a praise song or hymn, I would draw encouragement and wisdom from during the day.

After nearly a year, the songs seemed to fade. I didn’t notice them getting softer and softer.

At first I dismissed it, figuring it was something I had for that season. Then I started to find fault with myself, that God was disappointed in me and He took my morning wake up song away.

In the past few weeks I have been hearing songs again. Just snippets of them, faint and brief, enough to make me strain to make sure I really did hear it. I have begun to smile again, a secret smile, that God is still here.

My faith has been pretty embattled in the recent past. My doubt was creeping in farther than I realized. Hearing the songs again, has helped me turn away the doubt.

It reminded of a chorus by the Gaithers I listened to in my childhood.

What’s that I hear, I still hear that music
Day after day. that song goes on.
For once you found the source of music
You’ll always hear it. God gave the song.

When I hear the first notes of that song, I am suddenly 8 years old again. It prompts my heart to remember that I am still a child of God. Still His daughter, precious and prized and valued and loved and treasured above all things.

It’s like waking up to Christmas morning and presents around the tree. I am not cast out for my struggles, I am actually being pulled in closer to Him.

Best Beloved, have you been lulled into believing you aren’t worth Gods time, His love, His forgiveness and mercy? Fight the lies. We, as believers, are His children. We are worth His Son’s death. He loves us, Dear Ones. Don’t let the enemy persuade you otherwise, he doesn’t love you.

It’s time to wake up, don’t hit snooze any longer.

In His Amazing Love, oxoxox

Detours and going off road

Much of my life has included unexpected turns, but I think 2022 tried to break my record.

I lost my uncle, my mom’s big brother in the early part of the year. His death reverberated through us all and drew our close family even closer in many ways.

Within two weeks of my uncle’s passing, a high school friend passed away unexpectedly. I often spoke with him in the early days of my separation and divorce. His sense of humor was irreverent, quirky, and often what I needed in that season.

I became engaged in the early summer, a welcomed time to celebrate the new life I was beginning. Days after my engagement was announced, a dear and precious friend passed away from brain cancer. Her loss was devastating. She was my confidant and prayer partner during the season of my separation, divorce, and healing. Her passing has left an indelible void in my heart.

During the summer, my fiancé struggled with his health. Less than two weeks before our wedding, he had an acute stroke. As the doctors and I spoke, it was determined that his health issues over the summer were actually mini-strokes.

We had a very intimate wedding with our immediate friends and family in attendance. We loved having the dearest people in our lives celebrate our new life together. We were looking forward to our new life together.

Forty days later, my new husband was in the hospital again . He suffered another major stroke.

Best Beloved, I have been told by many how strong I am, how this experience will only make me stronger. The truth is, I am not strong. My strength is not my own. It is God’s faithfulness to me.

I have leaned into Him hard, not even aware at times that I was doing it. I have been angry, sad, anxious, and frustrated. Even ranting, screaming, and crying. But God has been good.

I am not alone. He has never left my side. His presence has been evident in the hands and feet of friends and family who have walked along side of us.

It is Jesus and only Jesus who has brought me through. Having the Holy Spirit with me has brought me comfort. I have been reminded that there will be seasons that are ridiculously difficult, but He is still my Comforter.

All my life You have been faithful, all my life, You have been so, so good. With every breath that I am able, I will sing of the goodness of God. (Goodess of God– Bethel Music)

I need Him. Every minute, every hour. The battles and struggles I face did not go away when the calendar changed. Neither did my Jesus.

Best Beloved, I do not know the battles you face today, the unexpected twists or turns on your journey. God does. He sees you, your situation, and your heart. Call out to Him. Scream, cry, yell, holler, whisper, even whimper, He will listen.

Dear One, I am praying for you today. Praying you will lean in and lean on the One Who made you, knows you, and loves you. He will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5-6).

In His Amazing Love, oxoxoxo

Wind and water

Today at church the service was kid friendly. There were beach balls, squirt guns, popcorn, competitions, and lots of joy.

The message was on James 3 and the power of the tongue.

The bit in a horse’s mouth and the rudder of a ship small items on their own which control large things.

James goes on to talk of a spark and how such a small item can cause such destruction when not controlled.

This week words were spoken and texted to someone which were unkind, hurtful, and even cruel.

Words that could have been controlled, but sadly, they were not controlled. The words were said and they were damaging, it took hours to restore the relationship. Hours that could have been spent growing the relationship.

As the kids competed in a race to put out candles with squirt guns, we all watched and laughed at the silliness. Yes, there was success, but it took minutes to extinguish the flame.

The streams of water were scattered, it was as if the idea was to overwhelm the candle with water in the hopes that something would put it out. As I took in the scene, I saw more unfolding.

Mankind will always try to force something to happen. More is better than less in our minds.

God will always have exactly what is needed.

When the competition was completed, a candle remained lit. One of the adults picked up the candle and lightly blew it out. Just a whisper of breath and the flame was gone.

The Holy Spirit is a whisper. Something we cannot see or hear, but the effect of it in our lives can have a profound effect in our faith, our prayers, our hearts.

It isn’t over saturating, like the water from the water pistols. It is quiet, gentle, and powerful. We just need to recognize when it is ready to move and respond.

there’s a sweetness

I sat in a different place in church yesterday.

There was nothing special about the seat, how I acted during the service, nothing out of the ordinary. Yet it became a place of sweet communion between myself and the couple behind me at the end of the service.

After the benediction, I turned to gather my things and smiled at the couple. The wife introduced herself and her husband, I did the same.

She asked how long I had been attending the church and I gave a little of my story. The three of us spoke for a few moments, then she asked, “When did you accept Christ?”

I smiled, “July 16, 1990.” As I gave the birth date of my faith journey, I became suddenly weepy. I chuckled, a bit embarrassed by my emotions.

It has been almost thirty-two years since that summer day, but the tenderness of how God has loved me, cared for, protected, corrected, and encouraged me washed over me.

I told the couple that as I looked back over those years I could see the places where God showed up and carried me in difficult times.

Like the stones of remembrance throughout the Old Testament, I saw the places in my mind and heart and it held a sweetness I had forgotten.

Walking out to my truck, I smiled again to myself. God gave me a moment to reflect that I might not have taken in different circumstances.

When I focus on my faith, Who God is, who I am in Him, the rest of the world can be put back in its proper place. Nothing may be changed in my life, but how I see it does.

I am a believer, not because of how good it makes me look, but because of how good God is.

Best Beloved, the sweetness of our walk with God is not due to anything we do, don’t do, or are going to do. It’s sweet because of God Himself. He moves in our lives and in the lives of others to draw us closer to Him.

Nothing else will do. No Bible study, small group, volunteer position, donation, or anything else, will take the place of walking with Jesus.

Blessings, oxoxo

Tarnished gold

I have been stumbling. Not fully falling down, yet losing my balance, a case of vertigo for my faith. I know the foundation is there, yet I cannot seem to place my feet on the solid base.

Ever since my divorce and subsequent relationship, I have felt like I cannot pray, I cannot call on the Faith that carried me through the process.

Yes, I still attend church, yes, I still believe. I just don’t feel the intensity I once did. I don’t seem to know how to pray, what to pray, and most challenging— that I am allowed to pray.

There is a sense that I have blown it, that this time I have gone too far. I wasn’t able to keep my marriage together, I started a friendship which turned into a relationship, as the marriage ended. I am not “allowed” to stand with the “good” believers anymore.

I am tarnished.

During the separation, I had four or five amazing friends who were standing in the gap for me, praying for me, my husband, our kids, our healing, our restoration. As time went on, I went radio silent and for the most part so did they. I felt like I had been dropped, even discarded.

I am not sure they meant anything by it, yet, I felt like I was being shamed. I don’t bear them ill will, in some cases I believe I deserve it. I blew it. I didn’t do something the way I was supposed to do it.

It’s a bit like wearing a scarlet letter that you accept because you might deserve to wear it.

I know what the Bible tells us about seeking forgiveness, about Christ’s death and His resurrection allowing us immediate access to God and His redeeming love. I know all that, but how does a person reconcile what they know with what they are feeling?

There are no podcasts, messages, verses, or books that I can think of to wipe away this feeling of not good enough.

I ache for the sense in my gut I used to have, when my world seemed to check all the boxes. Husband of 20+ years, two children, a home, a job, and church on Sunday.

Then the facade crumbled and eighteen+ months later here I am; 4 a.m., sitting at my dining room table, in the dark, writing. What a mess.

I have allowed the enemy a lot of real estate in my heart and mind. He has been whispering that maybe now that I’ve fallen, I don’t deserve my prayers to be heard. I am not worthy of the place I once stood in as a married woman.

The thing is, tarnished gold still has value. It still shines, maybe not as brightly, but it still shines.

Best Beloved, I wish I had the magic formula or the magic words even to make my situation, your situation, look as wonderful as it did before things got messy.

Being honest, though, it was messy even before the facade fell. Maybe this is where authenticity really begins.

I am a saved by Grace alone, through Christ alone, Christian. I am a mother, friend, daughter, sister, and yes, girlfriend. My Faith is still grounded in God, my steps are not straight all the time, but they continue to go forward.

This tarnished gold life of mine will continue to rub against other believers, continue to attend church, celebrate communion, and grow in the grace of Christ.

In time, I believe I will be able to shine again. Just like a broken mirror still shows a reflection I am still able to reflect Christ. Still a believer, still redeemed.

May it be so with you as well, my fellow believers.

Always,

Oxoxo

On Mute

It’s been over six months since I wrote with any consistency.

I wanted to write something to inspire and encourage, maybe challenge someone as they were on their own faith journey. I just never expected to lose sight of my own walk.

My husband and I are officially divorced. We are still in contact, friends who check in on each other and get together for lunch or coffee to catch up. Being friends isn’t how most people view ex-spouses, but I am grateful for him and for his unique perspective, as both my best friend and my former spouse.

I started dating someone, a man who has helped me remember to laugh, who has reminded me that I am beautiful, someone who I love and cherish dearly.

As to my faith, I have felt like a hypocrite or a liar.

Did I deserve to have God in my life, to call myself a believer, if I couldn’t pick up a devotional or seem to pray as fervently as I had during the months leading up to my divorce?

This very faith that has carried me through losses and immeasurable sorrow, it seemed to just faded away. Like a lost pair of sunglasses, I remembered where I last had them/it, but I couldn’t remember where I had put them/it down.

I have felt like someone had pushed the mute button and I no longer made any sound, any noise. I was only pantomiming.

In the past week a new movie has been advertised, Redeeming Love which is based on the amazing novel by Francine Rivers. I heard a soft sound watching the trailer. Like a small crack, I was starting to thaw.

I have doubted myself over the past months . Even my friendships with girlfriends I have known for over 40 years. I have felt like my shot at serving God or even knowing Him, was lost, since I was no longer married.

Hearing the strains of Lauren Daigle’s song , Rescue, has cracked the surface.

“ You are not hidden… you’re not forgotten…I hear your SOS, your SOS…”

Then the chorus:

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you

My shame and failure because of my divorce is starting to loosen its grip. I am not released, but I can feel myself wriggling free.

It has been a dark night. I have been paralyzed, silent, unable to speak and be heard, to cry out in my pain and sorrow, my grief over what has been lost.

Now there is Hope.

God did not forget me. He has been with me every step of the way. Through my tears. My anger. My heart-rending grief.

Even now, He is listening. He is calling to my heart that He is still here. He still loves me, He still wants me as His daughter.

My divorce did not take me away from His plans, His knowing what is coming next in my life. God wasn’t caught off guard when my husband said he was leaving.

There is a story of redemption here. Just like my original story of redemption thirty-one years ago, God is still in the business of taking ashes and making them beautiful (Isaiah 61:3).

I can hear God’s voice calling me to join Him on this next adventure. This next adventure will not be like the last one, it may have familiar elements, but it will be a new adventure.

Just like His mercies. Every morning. (Lamentations 3:22-23).